O shares her story with us and asks the community on advice concerning a dilemma she is presented with right now.
Is it acceptable to marry a divorcee?
What are your thoughts?
I want to remind our readers this is a judgment free zone-your thoughts should be simply to advice O in her current situation.
1. What's your love story/history?
My history of love really sucks. I have never dated a young guy or anyone single.
I always end up being used in a way, but one time I ever truly loved, I loved wrongly because I later realized he was married and we were together for so many years while I was searching for admission into the University.
I did a 2-year diploma program before I was admitted, so you know how long I was in it. Throughout this period I felt loved, got everything I wanted-but I always felt caged.
This relationship was so much in my head that I wanted to be his second wife. All these years he had prevented me from having normal regular relationships with younger guys-he knew everything about me.
He supported my family even though it was from a distance because they knew I was in a relationship but never knew he was older and married.
I grew older and realized I was wrong for getting involved with another woman’s husband and after going to church and with counseling, I pulled out of the relationship but with the perception that I never want to date, court or marry a young guy cause I have experienced both sides and I feel the older, the better for me.
Fast forward to 2014-I got a Facebook request and I accepted. I got chatting with this guy. He lives in the U.S. After months of on and off communication in 2014, I lost my immediate brother and I moved closer to Christ. I got more involved with church and I joined the worship team because I really, really do love to sing and I began the Christian race.
But married men of all kinds and types started coming with the most juicy offers, but with God I scaled even though I was craving for a good relationship with a godly man in his late 30's/40's.
2. How did it start with your previous relationship with the married man?
My relationship with the married man started the year I just got out of secondary school and had started my diploma program.
He offered me a ride on my way back from school and we got talking. He definitely knew I was a minor. But because I had over grown my age, most people took me for an adult because of my bodily features.
He promised to assist me through school even though I clearly didn't need help as at that time and he took my number. He later called that same evening and got me really nice things-I would never forget that night he dropped me off at the back of my house and started touching me in sensitive parts of my body.
I got home and noticed there was a bundle of money in one of the bags which I secretly took into my room.
I alerted him and he said it was for my up keep.
Days grew into weeks and months until he eventually took my virginity and I thought it was normal because he was my boyfriend.
3. Any warning signs that show he/she is married if there is no ring on display?
After a year or so I finally figured he was married when I kept seeing kiddies items in the car and he accepted he was married. Then he started telling me to ask for anything I wanted or needed when I gained proper admission into the University.
He rented a house for me and got all I needed. But by this time I was already used to him and still referred to him as my boyfriend.
I can't really say there are signs to spotting a married man even without his band.
But I can say that a promiscuous married man would make you see reasons why you shouldn't be with a younger guy.
He would do the things most young men are trying so hard to do for other girls-he would be a good adviser, academically & morally, he would make you feel guilt free & say he is the one cheating on his wife, not you.
Because most times when I realized I was wrong and asked how his wife would feel, he would hold my hands and tell me not to worry because I am not at fault, his wife was at fault for making him go outside.
4. How did he prevent you from having normal, regular relationships? Was he always tracking your movements for instance?
He prevented me from getting into a normal regular relationship because he took me from school sometimes during the week out of town when he was on official assignment. He paid me unannounced visits in school and usually would take me from school to my house on weekends when I needed to be home.
He knew my close friends and he kept close tabs on me.
5. Tell us a bit more about your encounter with this man on Facebook.
Fast forward to 2015 I got a call one day from my Facebook friend and he was depressed. He told me he had just lost his dad-I knew the pains and I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me how to comfort him. We talked everyday, we chatted, I told him how I had lost a brother the previous year and I comforted him through out the period though sometimes I get really angry when he keeps going over and over the loss of his dad.
Many months passed and we kept things low key till 2016-we got back to chatting and he told me he was coming to Nigeria. I had a tough time for a minute but I realized I would finally get to meet him. I got a call on my way to church and it was my Facebook friend-he had just landed and called me first to let me know.
We talked after service and he promised to send money for my flight ticket so we could meet. Days went by with our usual on/off communication and I got an alert one day with his name as the depositor. He later called and we made plans and I was going to book a flight but after 2 days, I wasn't convinced and I told him to come over instead. The reason I wasn't convinced to fly over to see him, was because I was scared initially and then things didn't work out fine as regards taking my leave that period and I assumed it was all intentional. I had prayed about it just a few times, but I really can't say if I heard from God. I went chatting with him again because I wanted to know why he had sent such amount of money.
He told me about his fears for Nigerian local flights and after some days I tried reaching him but he told me he had gone back to the States.
We got back talking again and he told me how unhappy he was because he never got to see me-as months went by with constant communication, he decided to ask if I would date him.
I prayed about it and we got dating. All this time I have known him to be a good Christian, he is a good instrumentalist.
We build ourselves spiritually. He has brought me up in my down moments and vice versa.
One day while we got talking I asked about his past and I got a shocker.
I was thrown off balance-I cried to bed that night asking God why he had allowed me fall in love with a divorcee.
He called for many days but I needed to hear from God.
I later got talking after a week and he told me he wanted to tell me in person when he visited Nigeria and didn't mean to hurt me with the truth.
I got to know about his entire past but I still haven’t heard from God about it, if I should go ahead or back out.
He has popped the question asking me to be his wife and he wants to come see my people.
I have not seen him in person yet, but I have lots of his daily pictures he sends to me and videos of him cooking and lots of him playing his instrument in church.
But I still need to be sure that this is right & acceptable before GOD.
I love him so much, but I need a happily ever after with peace from GOD.
So what are your thoughts guys?
Should O consider marrying a divorcee? Why/why not?
Remember guys-no judgment here-we share to help each other grow, learn and heal.
Thank you for sharing your story with us O!
To share your story with the community or to ask a question-you can send me an e-mail-you will be kept anonymous: firstname.lastname@example.org.