I never understand why some
women hold on to the past-I never did quite feel the necessity to hold myself
back. Why face backwards when the future is calling you ahead? Why exchange
your destiny for hands that have only given you death? Death to dreams, and
decisions, death to certainties and visions. Why give all that away for a man
that has nothing else to say? Nothing else to add to your reality but instead
gives you nightmares in exchange for your humility: humility to his pride, his
personality and his preposterous attempts to hide your identity. Why hold on to
the past-why choose to stay in those experiences? Why deny yourself the chance
to embrace a new season of opportunities?
I guess my question is really
answered in a woman’s uncertainty, in her refusal to take a hold of that
courage that was birthed in the female’s need for security.
The thing with a female’s
need for security is, when it is exposed to fragmented pieces it translates
into a language of inadequacy. She starts to feel unsure of her personality,
she begins to question the weight of her beauty, and sometimes she even
considers if she deserves the stroke of destiny. And the saddest part of this
inner surveillance of inadequacy is, it is produced in the bed of deception she
refuses to relinquish.
She sleeps with the past,
refusing to release it. She fails to realize you cannot chase the future in a
place that hosts a permanent taste of pain-produced in his inattention,
indecision, his lack of leadership used as a dagger against her determination.
But so many women stay still
in that place refusing to engage with a future that waits patiently by the day.
As the sun rises and sets she still stays in that bed, familiar with failure,
chained to indecision, strung on his words that never follow into
actions-refusing to release herself from that bed of deception, she becomes a
mute machine, activated only with attention. But that button of conversation is
never engaged, as she waits for a chance to speak in communication. And still
she waits day by day, hopeful with that strong certainty women have a tendency
to display-waiting for a day that she will never be free to relate
with-standing by the door of drained dignity.
This is what happens when she
sleeps with the past-she chains herself to faded memories, she exchanges her
value, for a worth that is less than her dignity. She allows herself to be used
as a towel to mop after his views, she makes excuses for his mood. She always
has a ready answer to defend the man she knew-blinded by who he used to be-she
never truly sees who he really is.
But some women wake from that
dreadful dream. Some stand firm and refuse to compensate their destiny. Some
realize, this is no place for her to hide. A woman was meant to move forward
not to lay behind. Some question these new experiences and wonder, why should
they be chained to his mixed messages? Why should they pay the price for a
story that was always a lie? But these women are few and far between. And that
is why so many men face the challenge of learning what it means-to meet a woman
that understands the meaning of the term ‘femininity’. It is not weakness, it
is not meek-it speaks of more than delicate dreams of destiny-she has strength,
she sees ahead-she has no desire to just lay in bed with clouded words that
never translate into actual experience.
And when one such man crosses
the path of a woman that understands the power in her identity-usually a
product of a past encounter with a lover who tried to deny her individuality-he
does not understand the power behind her dignity. He fails to see, she is no
longer an innocent stranger in the land of relationships-she has crossed the
path of experience and recognizes the signs that speak of a dead end. She
speaks a language he is unsure of-because it speaks of worth and love not lust
infused words fueled with temporary actions of inaction dotted with attempts to
continue a conversation.
No she understands those
signals-she has seen them before. And when this woman is birthed through the
decision to leave the bed of past deception-when she finally decides to walk
away from that language of indecision, she still faces the challenge of not
turning back when he comes begging once more for attention. That is a place
many women have failed to move ahead because they give into once more a tone of
deception.
But some women don’t fall for
those intentions-they may be genuine, they may be true, but once she left that
bed of deception, she left you. And some understand the purpose behind their
decision-some are eager to see the promises in their heart actually materialize
before their eyes-and so they access you once more with a more practiced eye
and decide- not because of hurt or pain or an intention to leave behind a
revenge filled graze-no-she walked beyond the decision of sleeping with her
past because she realized, the past and the present do not have the same eyes.
They do not have the same smile, they cannot host the same space of happiness
and pain-how can a past that gave so much hurt, heal so much pain-how can that
come from the same space? She calculates this equation in her head, as women do
when they seem to remain quiet, and then she sighs and remembers how much it
took her to decide to rise, it took too much to be compensated once more in a
past pact of trust that was broken in return, over and over-it was ripped like
it had no worth-and so she cannot invest in a broken trust-it will bring forth
only more loss. And so she decides to move ahead and leave everything
behind-she picks the experiences and chooses to move ahead on her path-eager to
meet opportunities, ready to meet a partner that understands the joy in
honoring a commitment, and speaking life into freedom and liberty as they
together build on a foundation of certainty cultivated in trust and dignity-not
compromised with uncertainty and not tortured with false promises that fail to
materialize into reality.
But these are only a few
women that make this journey.
A lot stay on that bed
sleeping with the enemy-even when they know he holds no language to feed their
inner desires and destinies-and so they trade their dreams, they leave behind
their hopes for a bed of poisoned promises and suffocate and silently slip into
a space of statuesque stupidity. Step by step they turn into a stony embodiment
of a drained destiny.
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