HOW TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER

1.          Listen: Listening is the first step to understanding. It is important to allow your partner feel like you can see them. Many a relationship has been wrecked because all one does is to hear-hear anger, resentment-but failing to see fear and anxiety. Hence it is important to listen with your eyes-pay attention to their words and look at the import of their statements.

2.          Adapt:  This will enable you to adapt accordingly. How? When you start to pay attention to your partner through listening, you are able to respond to the problem. And this in essence is the power of adaptation-for instance maybe you both are going through a period of intense transition, when you listen to each other, you can grow together through the process rather than growing apart. The important step is to move forward together.

3.          Communicate: This is why communication is extremely important. it is the oxygen to any relationship-without communication you cannot survive. You need communication to be able to survive and thrive in your relationship and consistently move forward-because if you fail to grow together, your relationship will die as a result because of lack of communication.

 

4.          Implement: Practice what you preach. Instead of persisting in your criticism of your partner’s actions, start to inhabit the qualities that enable you to respond in love. For instance, do they have a problem with cleanliness, encourage in love by commending their efforts instead of challenging their weak spots.

5.          Observe:  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of observing your partner carefully. You will learn a lot about a person through how they speak, and what they do-actions always speak louder than words. Actions tell the truth-and this will be important in understanding your partner because you want to see a visual map that enables you to direct them accordingly. And actions show this path to their emotional, physical or even psychological uncertainties.

6.          Encourage spending time with one another: And this is why it is advisable to spend time together. This is more quality over quantity. It is important that your partner feels attended to-rather than feeling absent in your presence. If you feel absent-then you are not spending time together-you are actually building a bridge to be apart.

Q: What have been the challenges you have had in spending time with your partner?

Tip:  Everyday find something encouraging to say to your partner, slowly you will notice a change because you have shifted the atmosphere surrounding your environment of your relationship-you have cleared the air for positivity to breathe and negativity to suffocate.

THE WILDERNESS SERIES: WORSHIP

Deuteronomy 6:13-19 (NIV):

13 Fear the Lord your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. 14 Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you; 15 for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land. 16 Do not put the Lord your God to the test as you did at Massah. 17 Be sure to keep the commands of the Lord your God and the stipulations and decrees he has given you. 18 Do what is right and good in the Lord’s sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go in and take over the good land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors, 19 thrusting out all your enemies before you, as the Lord said.

The LORD used Deut 6:13 to respond to the devil’s temptation concerning worship and it says we should fear the LORD, serve him only and take our oaths in his name. This means it is important to understand the fear of the LORD as it is the beginning of wisdom-when we fear the LORD we are able to understand how to confront the challenges and attacks in our lives (Prov. 9:10).We are able to live in the reality of worship.

Secondly we serve only our God hence nothing else should come before Him in our lives-do you serve your family/friends/spouse above your service to the LORD? This will serve as an entry point for how the devil will choose to tempt you if you do-it is akin to leaving the door open for the enemy to come in because when we serve the LORD first, everything else falls into place. 

Worship is service which is why Jesus said worship the LORD your God and serve Him only. 

And the LORD Himself decreed Him only should we serve:

Exodus 34:14 (NIV):

14 Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

And when we do this we are able to have a covenant walk with the LORD. The dictionary describes an oath as a solemn promise invoking a divine witness, regarding one’s future action or behavior-hence when we fear the LORD and gain wisdom through Him, we learn how to serve Him alone and how to stand on promises made only in His name. This means whatever the devil tells you stands as a lie as it falls before the LORD’s promise as you are in a covenant walk with Him.

The proceeding passages are also interesting as they expand on what it means to worship the LORD. It means we do not follow other gods-those of your friends, family, colleagues-no. We follow only the LORD our God-hence we do not follow other gods in worshipping music, sexual immorality, profanity and so on.

And this is because as the LORD explains, He is a Jealous God and His anger will burn against you-this means that the LORD will not be pleased with you:

Hebrews 10:38 (NIV):

38 And,

“But my righteous one will live by faith.

    And I take no pleasure

    in the one who shrinks back.”

Hence when we step away from serving God, we step away from living in faith. And this means we reject the nature of God. The Word also says He will destroy you from the face of the land because this is consequence faced when we fail to serve God-we suffer the penalty of our decision to step away from His Nature.

Hence you need to understand the cost of your decision-whether you choose to worship God alone so you may have life, or to reject the nature of God and reap the consequences of sin:

Deuteronomy 30:19 (NIV):

19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live

The importance of this is to understand the spiritual implication of your choices-Satan is a demon and he seeks to destroy the children of God-hence when we choose to serve him through music, money, profanity-we choose destruction by default. But when we reject the devil, we choose God and the devil flees (James 4:7).

To be able to possess the promise, we must stand on the Word of God and apply His instructions in our lives-this means no shortcuts, no cunning actions, no deception-follow the path of God and do what is right and good in His sight so you may reap the reward of your actions.

In the wilderness your faith will get tested when you have no visible signs of relief but the wilderness experience of our LORD serves to illustrate how the Word follows you everywhere and when applied appropriately defeats the devil’s schemes.

So surround yourself with the Word.

Q: What area do you feel challenged in following God?

Tip: Ask the Spirit for discernment in identifying the problem and providing a solution.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOBA-FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Happy Birthday Toba; Happy Birthday. It’s been so long since we last spoke I barely know what to say. You are present everyday. You affect our conversations in so many little ways-your laughter is a soft wind that blows soothing sounds into the love and light I share with our mummy. Your stoic silence reminds us to remain strong as we face the path ahead knowing you are not there-but you are at the same time-in our thoughts, our words, our decisions to move forward-you urge us along.

Happy Birthday. This time last year was a mixture of poison and pain but purpose spoke the loudest when your gift remained through the words you have enabled me to speak, through your ability to still reach beyond the divide and provide laughter in our beings.

Happy Birthday. I hope you are enjoying yourself up there-I know your love for music was always the strongest-it would pound through your ears, through those earphones that were your permanent fixtures as you stared-into the distance-dreaming, thinking, planning, believing and walking confidently ahead.

Happy Birthday. I remember your smile the brightest-it was a signal for mischief we shared-whenever your serious but steady demeanor broke into a reverie of anticipation-your smile was the blare-it would shine through the darkness and melt my fears. You always had the ability to do that-to remind me who I was when I would forget, to whisper wisdom when I was unsure of who I was-you gently focused my stare.

Happy Birthday. This would have been your 22^nd year-what a joy it would have been to see you grow even more sure in your determination to bring dreams forth. Your broad shoulders that remained steady through the storm. That confident clean walk you had that could stop any daunting fears from coming forth.

Happy Birthday. As I write these words, I remember our conversations back home in the comfort of the couch we spoke-you showed me so much hope-such fire lit your steps it made me afraid for your safety as you ventured ahead. And you had such an aura it could tense the air-it was a palpable presence that seemed to draw people near. I remember its share force-it came before you walked into the room-it announced your presence so clearly all eyes focused on your steps.

Happy Birthday. I remember now, yes I can see, through the misty film of the past, your colours blare clearly. I remember how you would speak-quiet, confident and sure-certainty wrapped itself around every word. I was terrible at defending myself when we fought with words-your edge was sharper than mine and had an instinct about it that blocked each clever clap back.

Happy Birthday. I miss you. Mummy does too. Two years since you left-a lot has changed in your absence. I mean, I know you are here-I feel you everyday when I speak and share-I feel you in my actions, my words and movements. But when I lost the ability to reach you-and for you to reach me-when we lost the ability to hold each other tightly as family-is when reality shifted.

Your presence that spoke so powerfully into the environment had lost its essence. The hopes of the future you so colourfully painted and shared with my eyes and eager ears broke into darkness and even then, I could feel your concern-you were afraid of the cost of your departure-you were right; it was very dear-a heavy weight that nearly crushed us with its full force-we broke down in a state that is deeper than tears. And mummy, well she survived that storm-you will be proud-she remained so strong even though the death blow hit her squarely in her heart where you belonged.

But Toba, I want you to understand-today is your birthday-and we are grateful you were born. We are grateful your light shone brightly through each and every storm. We are grateful for that beautiful laughter that decorated our lives. We are grateful you lived your life. We are grateful for each shard of the past that represents the memories we have.

Happy Birthday. I am honored to be your sister-I am honored to call you friend until the very end-I am proud of the man you were-your heart was always laid bare. You were true to yourself, you cared for others, you were determined to share yourself and to the weak you provided strength; so today I celebrate your life.

Happy Birthday Toba-today we choose to smile. I see you so clearly and yet I see you barely but I will always remember that smile-the way you chose to live your life-determined to succeed; determined to embrace destiny. And now you dance in eternity.

Happy Birthday Tyler Hendrix Fray-until we meet again-the journey unfolds unto a path of hope-lit with your smile, your confident gaze and that steady walk accompanied with wise words-I face forward. We miss you. We love you. We will never forget you.

Happy Birthday Toba-from your sister, your friend, your advocate always-I carry your memories, our fights, laughter and tears-I carry it all in my heart as we move forward-you still live on woven into the details of our hearts that spring forth when we correspond.

Happy Birthday. We love you-forever and always.

BECOMING CONFIDENT: HOW TO WORK WELL WITH OTHERS

1.                 Energy is important: A wise person once said, people meet your energy before they meet you-its important that you are projecting positivity. This will enable the atmosphere around your conversation to be conducive for discussion and collaboration.

2.                 Pick your battles: If you fight every battle, you will lose the cause. It is important to understand that when working with others-compromise is your key. Compromise unlocks each and every door tailored towards progression and growth. Hence it is important not to starve the process with your stubbornness-embrace each of your differences but stick to your strategy. This means as you remain focused on the vision, you will be able to hold on to its foundations but how the structure is built should be open to creative contributions.

3.                 Listen and speak: This is why it is important to listen before you speak. Let your ears be open to receive criticism-and choose to respond in a manner that showcases a positive intention to progress not a negative or hostile attitude that reeks of regret-its very important to remain engaged in the conversation and to do this successfully, you need to listen and respond accordingly to each step in the process of working on your project.

4.                 Contribute substantively: Don’t just speak for the sake of speaking-unless people will eventually stop listening to what you have to say even if and when it is a substantial point you made. It is important to speak when you have substance to contribute-otherwise remain mute. Observe the environment of your collaboration-what are the working dynamics of the group? Learn how to contribute in a manner that garners attention to your views-you do this by providing tangible and practical contributions.

5.                  Remain true: Keep your eyes on the prize and work accordingly. Wherever you feel your steps have started to struggle-move accordingly through engaging with your partners and listening to their advice-build your strengths and stretch your weaknesses. This will enable you to not only remain true to your goal but to become invested in the process because it leads to self growth. And this is the value of teamwork-it teaches you how to manage other people but mostly how to manage your moods-and at the end of the process you should feel more confident in who you are and what you stand for in your views.

Q: What challenges do you struggle with when working with people.

Tip: When you disagree with a team mate, you both should involve the other team members in the discussion/point of conflict-this will make this a conversation that is less personal and more public hence no one will feel personally slighted by the outcome.

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Have a lovely day!

God Bless,

Tolu.